The Shy Nerd Paradox

[Mickal Redwater]

Well i'm sure you're all tired of Atla/Reylan dominating the talk about women in the comments section I've been busy, so havent been around much, but got a little bit of time and figured i'd post! Life is hectic.. still out there looking at stars (well inside, my office doesnt even have a window and i work on a computer.. but you get the picture) got to take a trip to Washington DC for a conference, get to go to Houston for one in April and there is a strong chance i get to go to Sweden for one in June (not sure yet, abstracts are due end of Feb. and its competitive for funds)

Also i've been rock climbing and playing basketball every day (well alternate days with those 2) and i go out with friends basically every day. I leave myself 0 down time, which is nice... BUT


It makes me forget that i need to find a girlfriend! I havent been on a date for almost 8 months.... and now i feel like after getting totally screwed over by my last ex, i'm ready to move on. Of course i do relationships or nothing (yes Atla... either a relationship or no sex ) so now i'm finally trying to figure out what to do, and i realize how rusty/unskilled i am at this I don't even know where to begin! I prefer to NOT do online dating again.. though considering how ridiculously shy i am, and how its nearly impossible for me to approach someone random at a bar/anything, i have limited options. Either my own friends (where there ARE 2 possibilities, but not sure i like the idea of dating a good friend and possibly losing them) or i can try friends of friends, which is interesting, but difficult to figure out. I'm not sure how you go about that, and most of my friends don't have 'other friends' i don't know about

Otherwise i have limited options. I was signed up for an ASU ballroom dance class, as i tried learning Tango on my cruise and very much enjoyed it, and would like to learn, but i cancelled last minute because i got to nervous going there all by myself... plus there were exams and essays.. im waaaay past that crap, and i dont really want an 18 year old freshmen (Once again... sorry for making you cringe Atla)

Just not sure how to meet people! I'm picky enough as is that its hard to find someone, but even harder when i don't meet anyway! So any ideas? Remember i am very very very shy... have severe social anxiety disorder, and would prefer not to meet someone so drunk i don't remember it (i'm more of a romantic and want it to be kinda poetic).

Its a shame because i know i could get dates if i tried! I'm not sure why i'm so hesitant to try much of the time Sometimes i imagine what it'd be like if i wasn't so damn shy!

[owly]

What's wrong with meeting someone online? i met Hatama online that was 12 years ago and still going strong. Don't worry your meet someone it will come...... Just hang lose in the mean time.........

edit/Oh i suffer from anxiety i worry all the time and have panick attacks, meeting someone in RL was out of the question i'm happy i met someone online i have a very happy life i wouldn't trade it for nothing, well maybe for cash money

[TEVA]

Signup for those dance classes you will meet someone your age there and have fun at the same time.
Nothing wrong with online dating just have to figure out which dating company to use and go from there.

[Atla]

Online dating?

Ew.

[Venus]

i think ive seen a pic of you before, from what i remember your pretty cute. i hate to tell u this but your gonna have to take the bull by the horns so to speak and just go up to a girl u think is cute and start talking.

/shrugs

all she can do is say no.
and there are a million more girls out there.

best way to get over something u fear, is to do it anyway.

[Reylan Talonspyre]

Of course i do relationships or nothing (yes Atla... either a relationship or no sex )

First off, even though I completely understand why, and would even say to those with "drama" and "problems" stemming from one night stands that it is the "sex without attachment" lie that is fucking them over ... still ... c'mon! One night stands are not THAT bad!

all she can do is say no.
and there are a million more girls out there.

Funny thing, she is pretty right. You don't have to though.

I find that for the most part, women advise those looking for a relationship to sit tight and have patience. Something is bound to happen. They try to say that forcing the issue will get you nowhere. Not a big deal, they are right.

I find that guys usually advise that the above way of doing it is even better. Hey, it might not work for you. I know I struggle to maintain interest with the above method, instead waiting for the right time to move. I can even give examples:

You and friends are at bar/social event. You see a cute girl/woman. You see she is alone. Buy her a drink, strike up conversation about small talk event. See, I suck at the small talk. I try. But I am never really interested in that.

You can also try a new method that has worked pretty good with me thus far, at least in getting a number. Strike up a conversation about striking up a conversation. In otherwords, call it out for the awkward situation it is ... example:

Reylan: Hello there, I am sorry to intrude, my name is Reylan Talonspyre. I was just having a conversation with a friend of mine over there about meeting people at the bar. I was hoping to gain some insight from you. This is not a pick up line so forget that.

Girl: Ok?

Reylan: I am sorry, I didn't get your name.

Girl: My name is Ima Harpy.

Reylan: Nice to meet you Ima. My question is thus: "Do you find it awkward when random men approach you at the bar? Do you find it flattering? Do you let them buy you drinks?"

Girl: [insert lame ass answer here that I won't even waste time remembering]

Reylan: Exactly! See, I think the best way to meet people is through other friends. There is a safety network involved. I noticed you were alone here tonight, my friends are over there. They are a lively bunch and since you are hot, want to come and join us?

Girl: Of course!
(or if she is a fucking bitch)
Girl: Get the fuck away from me!

Reylan: Excellent! Just tell them I asked for your number, I kind of have a bet going.
(or if she is a fucking bitch)
Reylan: You are the reason that the government made abortions legal.

And get ready to drop some awesome words/phrases such as "snatchnapkin" or "I love Twilight!" or "No, older women are a huge turn on!" or "Of course I don't mind if your fat friend eats off my plate."

[Reylan Talonspyre]

Remember i am very very very shy... have severe social anxiety disorder, and would prefer not to meet someone so drunk i don't remember it (i'm more of a romantic and want it to be kinda poetic).

You know what ... I just saw this ... I cannot help you.

/shakes head

Damn, if Portia didn't have that ... she would have never had a date in her life.

Hehehehee

[MoP]

i think ive seen a pic of you before, from what i remember your pretty cute.

Venus thinks you're cute!

best way to get over something u fear, is to do it anyway.

She hopes you fear her!



Just come to Belgium and meet my friends

[Nagash]

Get a side job and do your colleagues.

[Reylan Talonspyre]

MoP lies!!! You will just get drunk and turned into a socialist!





Now, if that socialism comes with a free hot chick, I am in. Scratch that, a free hot chick with a return policy and no restocking fee.

[MoP]

Aren't you the one with a socialist president? Socialists here aren't even in the government!

[Mickal Redwater]

Thanks for the advice.

I'm not against Online dating, i've done it before and will probably do it again. Takes away the social issue of asking someone on a date (im not so bad on first dates when i know they are dates) i'm just really picky and looking for the right thing (not a quick thing). Which means i go through profiles after profiles turning most of them away, and then i try to talk to a handful of people... never get a response and then get disheartened and quit for a while. Plus for some reason i photograph bad (and i hate being photographed) so i dont have many pictures and dont like many (very few of me smiling).


I'm just so bad at this part! I'd be good at the being in a relationship part

Its all comes down to confidence and i lack that! I have trouble talking to cashiers at the supermarket sometimes, how can i ask a girl on a date!


Oh well. It'll come when i least suspect it i hope.

Or i'll end up with another dominant girl who asks me out then screws with my head Which is fine, i kinda miss that.

[TEVA]

Its all comes down to confidence and i lack that! I have trouble talking to cashiers at the supermarket sometimes, how can i ask a girl on a date!

practice at the supermarket by talking to a casher. start small then grow from there. You can do just think positive thoughts.

[Raknarak]

Practice with every cashier. Look them square in the eyes. Not as if you want to devour their soul, but as if you give a shit that they are there. Smile, make light conversation. They'll banter back and forth with you, as long as their isn't a line. *LOL* After you get some comfort there, try randomly telling people "Hi" when you're walking through the store. All you need is a hi and a smile.

The cashiers are more familiar to you, I assume, so you can practice getting past a bit of you awkwardness. Randomly telling strangers hi is forcing yourself to reach out to unknown people, and sure the heck should make it easier to at least say hi to some hottie. Basically, by doing these things, you'll be working up your confidence. Keep in mind that your friends were strangers, once. I'm not saying to go out and try and make friends with everyone, just be friendly. Each time you make any contact with someone you don't know, you're practicing them thar unknown social skills. Try chatting a bit with waiters/waitresses, cashiers and secretaries. They're paid to pay attention to you, and they really won't mind when they aren't real busy, unless they suck ass at their jobs.

Confidence... Well, V said you're cute. It sounds like you have a good job. Do you have your own place? Your own car? Can you support yourself? Take pride in those little things. Your friends obviously like to have you around; therefore, you are a good person. That should be another confidence booster. Look at your good points, and enhance them. Work on your bad points, I know you know what they are. Every shy person know what's bad about themselves, but we tend to amplify them well beyond what they truly are.

When you finally get to the point of asking a girl out, or just to come hang out with you, keep repeating in your head, "No is just a word, it can't hurt me." and believe it. Life is too short to never take a chance. You never know if the little gal in the corner would have made a wonderful wife, if you don't at least go and chat her up.

It's that easy, as soon as you take the first step. I've been there. I still get overwhelmed by just going to WalMart when it's busy, but I step back, breathe, and power through it. Then, I go back to a hi and a genuine smile. You just have to want it, and to have the will to keep up the "practicing" because you will backslide, but never too far to overcome again, quickly.

Then again, you could resign your life to a house full of cats.:-P

[Reylan Talonspyre]

Yeah, I guess you could "overcome" your fears! Or you can sidestep them and just talk to the crowd. I find it funny, I am great at public speaking but terrible when women want to one-on-one me. I either babble on and on and they feign interest, come off as being too cold, or hit the mark when I am not trying.

[Gerien]

[Dyvim Tvar]

One night stands really aren't so bad as long as you have enough tarp and a powerful circular saw handy.

[BetaFlame]

Just watch out for the blood stains on the wall after using the saw.

..Oh wait. Do you wait for them to be dead?

[Dyvim Tvar]

No, I strap them to a giant replica of the wheel of fortune (or as I like to call it, the wheel of misfortune) and then spin them around until they land on a specific power tool, then I just go to town.
Sound-proofing, man's greatest invention.

[Immigrant]

sounds like a dexter episode